Chapter 09
The Art of Loving Others and Yourself
BOOK IX ====================================================================== 1 In all friendships between dissimilars it is, as we have said, proportion that equalizes the parties and preserves the friendship; e.g. in the political form of friendship the shoemaker gets a return for his shoes in proportion to his worth, and the weaver and all other craftsmen do the same. Now here a common measure has been provided in the form of money, and therefore everything is referred to this and measured by this; but in the friendship of lovers sometimes the lover complains that his excess of love is not met by love in return…
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Key Quotes & Analysis
"In all friendships between dissimilars it is, as we have said, proportion that equalizes the parties and preserves the friendship; e."
Context: Unequal roles need fair exchange
Unequal roles need fair exchange.
In Today's Words:
When people differ in power, age, or contribution, friendship survives through proportionate return, not mirror image exchange. Aristotle's example resembles compensation systems: fairness means fitting return to role and value. Resentment grows when one side demands identical treatment while ignoring structural differences built into the relationship.
"He needs, therefore, to be conscious of the existence of his friend as well, and this will be realized in their living together and sharing in discussion and thought; for this is what living together would seem to mean in the case of man, and not, as in the case of cattle, feeding in the same place."
Context: Friendship requires shared life, not occasional favors
Friendship requires shared life, not occasional favors.
In Today's Words:
Friendship is not only affection; it also includes conscious shared life. Aristotle says friends need to perceive each other's existence through living together, conversation, and common thought. In modern life, that means relationships decay when contact becomes purely symbolic and no longer includes meaningful time or joint activity.
"friendship is equality', and 'charity begins at home'; for all these marks will be found most in a man's relation to himself; he is his own best friend and therefore ought to love himself best."
Context: Common sayings Aristotle tests against experience
Common sayings Aristotle tests against experience.
In Today's Words:
Aristotle defends a disciplined form of self regard. The best person is his own friend because he chooses what is just and noble, then extends that pattern outward. Healthy self love is not narcissism; it is internal alignment that makes faithful, fair, and courageous friendship possible.
"They will throw away wealth too on condition that their friends will gain more; for while a man's friend gains wealth he himself achieves nobility; he is therefore assigning the greater good to himself."
Context: Noble friends sacrifice for each other's good
Noble friends sacrifice for each other's good.
In Today's Words:
A good person may accept less money, honor, or immediate advantage so a friend can receive more, because moral beauty matters more than possession. Aristotle reframes sacrifice as rational, not naive: choosing noble action secures the higher good you most want to live with in yourself.
Thematic Threads
Class
In This Chapter
Working-class people face more competing demands with fewer resources—can't hire help or buy their way out of difficult choices
Development
Evolved from earlier discussions of virtue to show how economic constraints shape moral decisions
In Your Life:
You might feel guilty setting boundaries because you know how hard life is for everyone around you.
Identity
In This Chapter
Aristotle argues healthy self-love isn't selfish—knowing your worth enables better relationships
Development
Builds on previous chapters about virtue to show self-knowledge as foundation for all relationships
In Your Life:
You might struggle to value yourself enough to demand reciprocity in relationships.
Social Expectations
In This Chapter
Society pressures us to maintain all relationships regardless of their health or reciprocity
Development
Continues theme of external pressures versus internal wisdom from earlier chapters
In Your Life:
You might stay in draining relationships because 'that's what family/friends do.'
Personal Growth
In This Chapter
Sometimes people grow in different directions and friendships naturally end—this isn't failure
Development
Extends virtue development theme to show relationships as part of becoming who you're meant to be
In Your Life:
You might feel guilty outgrowing relationships that no longer serve your development.
Human Relationships
In This Chapter
Quality friendships require shared activities, mutual respect, and helping each other grow
Development
Culminates relationship themes by defining what healthy connections actually look like
In Your Life:
You might realize some relationships lack the foundation for true friendship and that's okay.
You now have the context. Time to form your own thoughts.
Discussion Questions
This is not a test. Five prompts guide you through the chapter, from how it opens to how it closes, so you notice context and rhythm rather than facts to memorize. Sit with each question in your own words. When you see "One way to read it," treat it as a starting point, not the only answer.
- 1
Why does Aristotle say proportion is what preserves friendship between unequal people?
analysis • surfaceOne way to read it
When status, role, or contribution differs, equal exchange in identical units is impossible. Proportion lets each person receive what fits the relationship, which prevents both entitlement and humiliation.
- 2
How does Aristotle rank obligations among friends, family members, and benefactors in difficult cases?
analysis • mediumOne way to read it
He denies one rigid rule for every case, but generally gives special weight to parents and benefactors while still considering context. Practical judgment must decide whom to honor first based on relationship, need, and justice.
- 3
What guidance does this chapter give for handling a friendship when one person's character has seriously declined?
application • mediumOne way to read it
Aristotle allows separation when the basis of shared goodness disappears, especially if reform seems unlikely. Yet he also recommends measured loyalty, honoring past intimacy and offering help when recovery remains possible.
- 4
How does Aristotle distinguish noble self love from selfish self seeking, and why does that matter for sacrifice?
application • deepOne way to read it
Base self love grabs money and honors, but noble self love chooses what is fine and just. That is why a good person may surrender wealth or advantage so a friend can gain more, preserving moral worth over possession.
- 5
What personal takeaway follows from Aristotle's claim that friends need shared life, not just good wishes?
reflection • deepOne way to read it
The chapter suggests friendship weakens without regular common activity. If you value a relationship, you must create time for conversation, joint action, and mutual awareness, because goodwill at a distance rarely sustains itself.
Critical Thinking Exercise
Map Your Relationship Energy Flow
Draw three columns: 'Gives me energy,' 'Neutral,' and 'Drains my energy.' List your key relationships in each column. Then look at how much time and emotional energy you invest in each category. What patterns do you notice? Are you over-investing in draining relationships while neglecting energizing ones?
Consider:
- •Consider both the emotional and practical support each relationship provides
- •Think about which relationships feel reciprocal versus one-sided
- •Notice if you're avoiding difficult conversations that could improve neutral relationships
Journaling Prompt
Write about one relationship you might need to set better boundaries with, and one relationship you'd like to invest more energy in. What small step could you take this week toward better relationship balance?
Coming Up Next...
Chapter 10: The Good Life and True Happiness
The final book asks what sort of life deserves to be called happy. Aristotle reopens the debate on pleasure, then compares practical and contemplative activity, arguing that the highest fulfillment may lie in sustained thinking while still requiring moral formation, laws, and civic education.
