The Art of Social Protocol — The Essays of Montaigne

There is no subject so frivolous, Montaigne writes, that it does not belong in this rhapsody. By common civility it is a sharp affront to be out when an equal, and still more a superior, has said he will come. Queen Margaret of Navarre goes further: a gentleman should not rush out to meet the visitor on the road, even a great one, lest they miss each other. It is enough to receive him at the door. Montaigne, who tries to thin the ceremonies of his own house, often forgets both offices. If someone takes offence, he cannot help it. Better to offend once than bind himself every day. Why flee the servile attendance of courts only to rebuild it at home?

Assemblies have another rule: those of lesser quality arrive first, because the greater sort are owed the wait. At Marseilles, Francis took care of the Pope's reception, then left town for two or three days so Clement could enter and rest. At Bologna the Emperor let the Pope arrive first, the greater man showing a kind of deference on the host's ground, as if the lesser should seek the greater and not the reverse.

Every city and company has its own forms. Montaigne was taught them and can give lessons, and he likes to follow them. He will not be so tied that his whole life is enslaved to rites so troublesome that omitting them, from discretion rather than from want of breeding, looks just as handsome. He has seen people made rude by overcivility. Still, courtesy is a necessary study. Like grace and beauty, it begets liking at first sight and opens the door to instruction. The door is not the house.