Love vs. True Friendship — Letters from a Stoic

Love and friendship are not the same thing. Letter 35 opens with that distinction and builds from it. A friend loves you, but not everyone who loves you is your friend. Love can sometimes even harm. Friendship, Seneca says, is always helpful.

What makes the difference? Development. A person who has not yet worked on themselves can love you, but cannot yet be a true friend, because friendship at its deepest level requires two people who are each, in their own right, capable of wisdom and consistency. So Seneca's exhortation is this: work on yourself, if for no other reason than to learn how to love properly.

The practical test of progress that closes the letter is elegant: ask yourself whether you desire the same things today that you desired yesterday. A shifting will is a soul at sea, pushed around by whatever wind happens to be blowing. A settled, solid character doesn't wander from its place. The difference between the wise man and the one making progress isn't direction, it's motion.

The progressing man moves but doesn't change position; he tosses in place. The wise man is still.